Saturday, April 11, 2009

It's Still Early

The Opening Day Festivities have come to an end at rain-soaked Progressive Field and the Tribe has fallen to 0-4 to start the 2009 campaign. The pitching staff has allowed 42 runs in four games and a starting pitcher has yet to make it through the sixth inning.

So we thought the following posting appropriate to help put this "marathon-of-a-season" into prospective:

• If the baseball season was a Marathon it would only be 1,139 yards into the race.

• If the baseball season was a Football Season it would have 10:11 left in the 2nd Qtr in the first game. More specifically, if it was the Cleveland Browns 2008 Season, we would be down 21-7 to the Dallas Cowboys.

• If the baseball season was the Daytona 500 it would be 4 Laps / 12
into the race.

• If the baseball season was the life of an average American it would be 1
yr, 134 days, 33 hrs old

• If the baseball season was the History of the United States of America it would be March 31, 1782.

• If the baseball season was the Star Wars saga it would be 19 minutes into Episode I.

• If the baseball season was a trip from Progressive Field to Goodyear Ballpark it would be 82 Miles away from Columbus, OH.

*All comparison calculations done using LFL's How-Early-Is-It Calculator. A link has been provided so that you can do your own future calculations to help determine if it still is "Early" in the season.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Cup o' Joe

Joe taking a break while working
the drive thru at one of
Goodyear's many Starbucks
GOODYEAR, AZ - Mark Shapiro has been working diligently this last offseason to put the disappointment of 2008 behind him and build for a successful 2009 campaign. So when the poster boy for 2008 let down, Joe Borowski strolled into the Indians brand new facilities in Goodyear, Shapiro was more than a little irritated.

Joe was quickly escorted off the premises and security was informed that he not be allowed back again. Shapiro was quoted as saying "I've worked too damn hard to get this team, especially the bullpen, going in the right direction for this year. I don't need Mr. Chicken-Wire-And-Bubble-Gum-Arm* bringing any bad Karma in here!"

LFL caught up with Borowski later that week while he was taking a break from working the drive-thru at a local Starbucks. The first obvious question was "Why are you working at Starbucks?" Seems Joe was not so good with his money during his 10 plus years in the majors. He explained, "I thought it would go on a little longer...they [the Indians] gave me the impression I would be there awhile...I mean, after that Boston game, if a team still stands by you why would you think they would ever give up on you?" As far as being kicked out of Goodyear, Joe has this response: "I just wanted to say hi to my friends...that Shapiro can be such a jerk."

*Credit To Paul Cousineau @ The DiaTribe for the word combination to explain Borowski's arm make up.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Time To Fix Blame

CLEVELAND, OH - Cleveland Indians manager Eric Wedge announced that after 44 years of service with the Tribe he was sending bullpen coach Luis Issac packing. For most, this firing was a long time coming as it was no secret that Joe Borowski had paid off Issac to remain quite when his fastball was topping out at 79 MPH in the bullpen on April 14th.

Wedge also announced that he would be replacing bleacher drummer John Adams. Wedge commented, "He defiantly could have been drumming more passionately when we need him the most." Wedge is said to be interviewing several fair-weather fans to be Adams replacement. When asked if he had the authority to bar Adams from the stadium Wedge said, "he can still come, just leave that damn drum at home!"

Wedge further surprised the media assembled for the press conference when he announced that the "Beer Man" would be let go. Wedge explained "he spends too much time showing off his vocal capabilities instead of selling beer. Do you realize how much more we would have to spend on free agency this winter if he was selling more?"

No doubt, the heads will continued to roll.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Pronk Is Back!

CLEVELAND, OH - During the fourth inning of Thursday's game against the Minnesota Twins, Travis Hafner smashed a home run to right center field. During the radio broadcast Mike Hegan exclaimed "The Pronk Is Back!"

One might assume this is a little premature and probably an example of a broadcaster getting a little ahead of himself until it was also discovered that Matt Underwood made the same pronouncement during the STO broadcast of game. It was then reported that the Progressive Field fans were chanting "Pronk Is Back, Pronk Is Back!". The side of the mezzanine level in right field now reads "Welcome BACK to Pronkville". There is also a billboard on I-90 West as you are coming into Cleveland that proclaims the same. We feel sorry for the Tribe fan base in Cleveland, as it is obvious that this is something that has been weighing heavily on them for some time.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Perez Delivers His Message

CLEVELAND, OH - Rafeal Perez, left-handed relief pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, had enough of the recent treatment he had been receiving. It finally boiled over Thursday, August 14 against the Baltimore Orioles. While in the club house preparing for that night's game, even with Jensen Lewis jamming on Guitar Hero with the volume way up, Perez overheard an interview between reporter, Andrew Gribble and Tribe pitching coach Carl Willis. He heard Willis' mentioning of how they were keeping an eye on Masa Kobayashi because he has already pitched more innings this year then all of last year in Japan.

This left Perez thinking, I guest that is the difference between making $3 million a year and the league minimum. When the team has a lot invested in you, they worried about your physical condition. When you're making $400K a year, they're willing to pitch you two innings a night, every night, until your arm falls off. Perez may be referring to fact that he had already pitched 61 innings this year coming into Thursday's game, compared to 60.2 all of last year with a month and a half left in the season.

Perez entered Thursday game determined to take things into his own hands, he figured if he gave up some runs, it would lessen his use in future games for the remainder of the season. So, Perez promptly allowed three hits along with four runs and then was pulled for Edward Mujica. Perez continued his plan the following Friday night in Arlington, allowing the Rangers to put up three runs on the board in two innings.

Unfortunately for Perez, it does not seem that his message has been heard. Following Cleveland's 7-5 victory over Texas Friday night, Wedge commented to reporters that "What hell do you expect me to do. If I don't bring Perez in, I'm bringing in someone that is certain to allow 3-4 runs. Do you realize I was AL manager of the year last year? I have a reputation to uphold. If a pitcher can't handle pitching every game, perhaps they would like to go back to doing what they did before baseball!"

Monday, August 11, 2008

Shoppach Switching To Maple Bats

TORONTO, ON - Kelly Shoppach, currently serving as full-time catcher with Victor Martinez on the DL, was seen with his right thigh wrapped in ice following Cleveland's 4-0 victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. Shoppach snapped his bat over his leg in the fourth inning after striking out for the third time in the game, leaving runners on first and third.

When asked by reports about the ice, Shoppach responded "I did the same stupid thing last year in July. My leg hurt for a couple of days, but I wasn't playing every day last year, so I was able to hide my injury using Lonnie's...uh...I...mean...anyways, I'm going to be switching to maple bats since they are easier to break. This should lessen the likelihood of injury."

The beat reporters then turned off their recording devices and put their notepads away and headed over to Cliff Lee's locker to ask him about his eight innings of shutout baseball, 17 total this year against the Jays. However our top notch beat reporter here at LFL stayed behind. He noticed something about Shoppach’s comments; he had begun to elaborate on hiding his injury last year, but stopped himself mid-sentence. He initially stated he had no comment when asked by LFL about this, but after a little bit of prodding, Shoppach revealed that upon arriving in Cleveland in the trade with Boston, he was given "Lonnie Soloff's Guide to Injury Hiding" - a four page pamphlet explaining how to best hide nagging injuries from coaches, front office personnel, fans and even the finest beat reports in Cleveland. He said it covers everything from avoiding questions regarding icing your shoulder after a game, even though you are the DH. To pretending you injured your hamstring, so no one will notice your elbow is killing you. To even paying off the bullpen radar gun operator so Luis Isaac won't notice your fastball is topping out at 79 MPH prior to the ninth inning.

Wedge responded to questions regarding this by saying, “Kelly has a vivid imagination, I wouldn’t take him too serious."

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Latest Summer Blockbuster

Coming to a theater near you:

Left Field Lampoon's Summer Vacation

It is a sad story of a small market GM working for a business-savvy team president who is forced to say goodbye to the super-star ace pitcher that he helped raise from a raw draft pick to Cy Young Award winner when the pitcher's "expectations" don't align with the team's "abilities". Sadness turns to anger when it is reveled that off season inactivity by the GM is what ultimately lead to his demise.

Follow along as the story takes you from the ineffective contract talks in spring training, to the disappointing first three months of the season (in which the entire team struggles, but no one is to blame except a greasy-haired outfielder), to the eventual trading for prospects and PTBNL. Ride the emotional roller coaster as the bullpen blows lead after lead, as the offense squanders opportunity after opportunity and kills rally after rally. Watch the reining AL Cy Young Award winner start the season 0-3 with 13.50 ERA.

Meet the key characters like the peculiar and unemotional manager Cousin Wedgie, who is determined to have his players act in a professional manner and keep their egos in-check by never offering any praise. Paul Dolan, the business-mined, spend-what-you-bring-in team president. Doug Melvin, the general manager with a "the future is NOW!" mentality. Mark Shapiro, the can-do-no-wrong general manager who always comes out looking good. And CC, the fun-loving teddy bear of man who just wants to live his dream and play baseball for the Cleveland Indians.

What others are saying:

Roger Ebert: " root cancel without Novocain was more enjoyable and thankfully, shorter than this movie..."

Chevy Chase: " attorneys are drafting something up right now..."

CC Sabathia: "...Thanks For 10 Great Years..."

Another Quality Post Inspired By The Serial Posters @ The DiaTribe

Friday, July 18, 2008

Sabathia Fires Website Design Firm

MILWAUKEE, WI - CC Sabathia, recently traded to the Milwaukee Brewers, has relieved the design team of his player website ( of their duties. Sabathia, in a request through his publiCCist, asked that the media refer to him as CC without the periods. However, upon reviewing his player website, Sabathia disCCovered several instances were his name was still noted as "C.C.". When questioned about the decision, CC stated "CClearly they do not take that HONOR of designing and maintaining my website serious. It is obvious that they do not realize my importanCCe and that people are lining up for a CChance to design my site." CC CContinued, somewhat CChoked up, "How can I expect the media to honor my request, when my own website design team disregards it! It is simply unaCCCCeptable!" CC then slammed his CCap to the loCCker room floor and stormed out, pouting like the CC we CCame to love in the early part of his CCareer.

LFL, doing it's own review of CC's site, CCounted a total of 15 times that CC is "C.C.". We also found it still mentions him as being a CCleveland Indian, something CC surely would be disappointed to know.

LFL also learned that CC's request for the period removal went even farther; he has requested that when writing a story that references him, reporters are to use double-Cs throughout the story. For example: "CC pitCChed nine CComplete innings, leading the Brewers to viCCtory." Apparently to drive home the point of his importanCCe. He also requested that Bob UeCCker CCall "CC-Ya-Later" whenever CC goes yard during a Brewers radio broadCCast.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Cleveland Traded C...C...

Now that C...C...'s departure to the Brewers for Matt LaPorta, two PANBNMHs (Player Already Named But Not Mentioned Here) and one PTBNL (Player To Be Named Later) is official, we continue our Top 10 Reasons series with a little different prospective.

This represents the Top 10 reasons the Indians gave up on re-signing Sabathia and traded him to Milwaukee.

Let The Countdown Begin...

10. Paying by the pound finally proved too costly

9. After a few months in Milwaukee receiving run support and having the lead he left the bullpen with being held. Shapiro claims: "He'll be begging us to bring him back."

8. Last remaining member of the Crooked-Cap Club is finally gone

7. 2007 Postseason

6. Two Words, Barry Zito

5. You can get two Faustos for the price of one C...C...

4. Reunite him with good friends Russell Branyan and David Riske

3. Who needs C...C... Sabathia when you got Jeff Weaver

2. Emotion occasionally displayed on the field was determined unacceptable for a "Professional" ballplayer by Manager Eric Wedge

1. When agreeing to allow the Tribe to play a three game series against the Angles last year in Miller Park, Brewers GM Doug Melvin informed Indians GM Mark Shapiro, "Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day, accept a gift..."

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Top 10 Reasons C.C. Should Re-sign

In light of the Indians' season spiraling out-of-control and C.C. heading to the mound tonight for what might be his last appearance in an Indians uniform. It seemed appropriate to post the first of four "Top 10 Reasons" lists relating to C.C.'s pending FA/trade departure.

This represents the Top 10 Reasons C.C. should decide to stay with the Tribe.

Drum roll please...

10. Great opportunity to teach your son a life lesson in loyalty.

9. Think Cleveland fans are harsh? Try starting 0-3 with 13.50 ERA in New York.

8. A home-grown star choosing Cleveland over the money, could be King, well at least Mayor.

7. Trouble pitching in Oakland? Try pitching half your games there.

6. Melting down the Ramirez and Thome statues may yield enough material for your own statue.

5. Most managers will yell and scream when their players are vastly under performing.

4. Additional money will disappear when adjusted for New York/California cost of living rates.

3. Dollar Dog Night.

2. Cleveland's dental converge is the best in the league.


Saturday, June 28, 2008

Are You "IN" The Tribe?

CLEVELAND, OH - You've seen the ads on STO broadcasts of Indians games advertising the new Indians fan club "The Tribe". Well, apparently the marketing department has come under fire for some of those ads. Several viewers have written letters to STO claiming the team they (STO) portrayed in those ads was not the team they (whiny Indians fans) paid money to see at Progressive Field. So, to avoid potential lawsuits for false advertising, the marketing department has produced several new "In The Tribe" commercials. They posted the first on YouTube and it is linked here.

For those of you unfamiliar with "The Tribe" fan club, let's review. For only $19.95 you get entry into the premier Indians fan club.

Membership includes :

• a year subscription to MLB Gameday Audio

• a shinny plastic membership card

• an exclusive, password-protected, area of with links to content available in the public areas of the site

• a customer service email for members-only, where your emails are guaranteed to go unanswered.

• a "members-only" message board where you, and the six other morons who shelled out $19.95 for this stupid fan club, can chat about all things Indians.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Indians Announce New Promotional Schedule

CLEVELAND, OH - In response to low attendance at newly renamed Progressive Field, the Cleveland Indians have announced a new promotional schedule for the remainder of the 2008 season. Victor Gregovits, Senior Vice President - Sales and Marketing, stated that attendance started a downward trend in 2002 with the departure of Jim Thome, which signaled the beginning of the recent rebuilding phase. He said it has been obvious that last year's Central Division Championship was not enough and that this year's "slow start" has not helped either. The new promotional schedule includes the following changes and/or additions.

• "You’re Fired!" Fridays - In place of "Fireworks" Friday, every Friday one lucky fan will be selected to fire a front office executive, the manager, any of the coaches, or designate a player for assignment.

• You Be The Manager Saturdays - All fans arriving at least 30 minutes prior to the start of the game will be given the opportunity to submit a starting lineup. The lineup receiving the most submissions will be used for that night's game.

• Sunday Kids Fun Days - All kids 14 and under (and one adult that can convince stadium personnel that their child is unable to run the bases alone) will be able to run the bases after the game. However, as an added bonus, all Indians players will be required to run the bases to show fans what it could have looked like during the game.

• $1 Beer Nights - During select home games plastic bottles of your favorite brew will be available for only $1. Also, it is recommended that plastic bottles are retained and filled with urine. Fans are encouraged to shower the field with their urine bottles after blown saves, rally-killing ground/strike outs, etc.

• Pronk MIA Value Plan- Seats in the Mezzanine Level (Pronkville) will be discounted $.50 for every day Travis Hafner remains on the DL. As of June 23, Hafner has been on the DL for 29 days which equals a savings of $14.50 off the price of a single game ticket!!!

• Blown Save Savers - All fans, still in attendance, will receive a 1/2 coupon for a future Tribe game when ever a reliever blows a save. please note: games with multiple blown save will still only count as one.