Friday, June 20, 2008

Freedom of Information Act

CLEVELAND, OH - It started with Borowski's triceps injury suffered during spring training, that he had been trying to "work through" until Manny Ramirez deposited his 83 MPH fastball on the Toyota Homerun Porch. Then there was the revelation that Hafner's shoulder had been ailing for sometime. And finally, Victor Martinez has landed on the DL after the acknowledgment that he was also trying to "work through" his elbow soreness. All this has finally boiled over and under mounting pressure from fans and sports writers alike, the Cleveland Indians have come clean with who is truly suffering from injuries.

Casey Blake - Blake is suffering from emotional distress brought on by the negative reporting at sites like Dump Casey Blake and other such Indians blogs as well as Tribe Internet Forums. The effects can no longer be ignored, his batting average in front of the rabid fans at Progressive Field is .193, as opposed to batting .336 in what should be more unfriendly confines. Fortunately, Blake has been able to get "caught up in the moment" when runners are in scoring position, posting a .424 average in that situation.

Jhonny Peralta - Apparently Peralta is going through a relapse with his Lasik surgery, rendering him helpless to distinguish outside curve balls with two strikes. Peralta is currently posting a .126 average with two strikes, which is more than 40 points lower than his career average. Hopefully with this newly released information there will be increased pressure for Peralta to re-visit with the eye specialist at the Cleveland Clinic that preformed the surgery.

Ryan Garko - Garko stubbed his toe in April while walking through the locker room barefooted. The soreness in his toe forces him to put all his weight on his back foot causing him to have an exaggerated upper-cut, thus increasing his pop-up rate.

Andy Marte - Similar to Adam Miller, except his blisters are on his rear-end from too much time spent on the bench earlier this season. Now Wedge is forced to keep Marte on the bench until his backside has healed. The Indians reportedly sent Marte to the same specialist that saw Miller and Josh Barfield. Marte returned from the appointment and reported "You idiots, he is a 'hand' specialist!"

1 comment:

minktrapper said...

You forgot Wedge's injury...he actually smiled once when Blake hit a triple and now he has this gawd-awful twitch in his face that the STO cameras can't get enough of.