Saturday, June 28, 2008

Are You "IN" The Tribe?

CLEVELAND, OH - You've seen the ads on STO broadcasts of Indians games advertising the new Indians fan club "The Tribe". Well, apparently the marketing department has come under fire for some of those ads. Several viewers have written letters to STO claiming the team they (STO) portrayed in those ads was not the team they (whiny Indians fans) paid money to see at Progressive Field. So, to avoid potential lawsuits for false advertising, the marketing department has produced several new "In The Tribe" commercials. They posted the first on YouTube and it is linked here.



For those of you unfamiliar with "The Tribe" fan club, let's review. For only $19.95 you get entry into the premier Indians fan club.

Membership includes :

• a year subscription to MLB Gameday Audio

• a shinny plastic membership card

• an exclusive, password-protected, area of Indians.com with links to content available in the public areas of the site

• a customer service email for members-only, where your emails are guaranteed to go unanswered.

• a "members-only" message board where you, and the six other morons who shelled out $19.95 for this stupid fan club, can chat about all things Indians.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Indians Announce New Promotional Schedule

CLEVELAND, OH - In response to low attendance at newly renamed Progressive Field, the Cleveland Indians have announced a new promotional schedule for the remainder of the 2008 season. Victor Gregovits, Senior Vice President - Sales and Marketing, stated that attendance started a downward trend in 2002 with the departure of Jim Thome, which signaled the beginning of the recent rebuilding phase. He said it has been obvious that last year's Central Division Championship was not enough and that this year's "slow start" has not helped either. The new promotional schedule includes the following changes and/or additions.

• "You’re Fired!" Fridays - In place of "Fireworks" Friday, every Friday one lucky fan will be selected to fire a front office executive, the manager, any of the coaches, or designate a player for assignment.

• You Be The Manager Saturdays - All fans arriving at least 30 minutes prior to the start of the game will be given the opportunity to submit a starting lineup. The lineup receiving the most submissions will be used for that night's game.

• Sunday Kids Fun Days - All kids 14 and under (and one adult that can convince stadium personnel that their child is unable to run the bases alone) will be able to run the bases after the game. However, as an added bonus, all Indians players will be required to run the bases to show fans what it could have looked like during the game.

• $1 Beer Nights - During select home games plastic bottles of your favorite brew will be available for only $1. Also, it is recommended that plastic bottles are retained and filled with urine. Fans are encouraged to shower the field with their urine bottles after blown saves, rally-killing ground/strike outs, etc.

• Pronk MIA Value Plan- Seats in the Mezzanine Level (Pronkville) will be discounted $.50 for every day Travis Hafner remains on the DL. As of June 23, Hafner has been on the DL for 29 days which equals a savings of $14.50 off the price of a single game ticket!!!

• Blown Save Savers - All fans, still in attendance, will receive a 1/2 coupon for a future Tribe game when ever a reliever blows a save. please note: games with multiple blown save will still only count as one.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Freedom of Information Act

CLEVELAND, OH - It started with Borowski's triceps injury suffered during spring training, that he had been trying to "work through" until Manny Ramirez deposited his 83 MPH fastball on the Toyota Homerun Porch. Then there was the revelation that Hafner's shoulder had been ailing for sometime. And finally, Victor Martinez has landed on the DL after the acknowledgment that he was also trying to "work through" his elbow soreness. All this has finally boiled over and under mounting pressure from fans and sports writers alike, the Cleveland Indians have come clean with who is truly suffering from injuries.

Casey Blake - Blake is suffering from emotional distress brought on by the negative reporting at sites like Dump Casey Blake and other such Indians blogs as well as Tribe Internet Forums. The effects can no longer be ignored, his batting average in front of the rabid fans at Progressive Field is .193, as opposed to batting .336 in what should be more unfriendly confines. Fortunately, Blake has been able to get "caught up in the moment" when runners are in scoring position, posting a .424 average in that situation.

Jhonny Peralta - Apparently Peralta is going through a relapse with his Lasik surgery, rendering him helpless to distinguish outside curve balls with two strikes. Peralta is currently posting a .126 average with two strikes, which is more than 40 points lower than his career average. Hopefully with this newly released information there will be increased pressure for Peralta to re-visit with the eye specialist at the Cleveland Clinic that preformed the surgery.

Ryan Garko - Garko stubbed his toe in April while walking through the locker room barefooted. The soreness in his toe forces him to put all his weight on his back foot causing him to have an exaggerated upper-cut, thus increasing his pop-up rate.

Andy Marte - Similar to Adam Miller, except his blisters are on his rear-end from too much time spent on the bench earlier this season. Now Wedge is forced to keep Marte on the bench until his backside has healed. The Indians reportedly sent Marte to the same specialist that saw Miller and Josh Barfield. Marte returned from the appointment and reported "You idiots, he is a 'hand' specialist!"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Indians Propose Division Re-Alignment

CLEVELAND, OH – Cleveland Indians Team President Paul Dolan, responding to the suggestions of GM Mark Shapiro and Manager Eric Wedge, has apparently sent a letter to MLB pushing them for a division re-alignment. Dolan's proposal would move the Texas Rangers from the AL West into the AL Central and move the Minnesota Twins from the AL Central to the AL West.

Details have been limited, but reports are that Dolan’s reasons are that Arlington is no more a western town than Minneapolis. Also Dolan is hoping to drive up attendance by bringing hometown favorite, Milton Bradley into Progressive Field more frequently and give the fans something to cheer (well, in this case boo) about. It would also allow for the “Playing Cowboys and Indians” marketing campaign by making the Rangers a regular opponent and hopefully a bitter rival.

Clearly Dolan has lost his mind. We here at LFL feel this is just a front for the real reasons behind this effort. Arlington is no more a western town than Minneapolis? Come on. Arlington is just outside of Dallas and what is more western than Dallas? Milton Bradley? Does anyone other than Tom Hamilton really care about Milton Bradley and his propensity for being thrown out of games by arguing bases and strikes?

Our crack team here at LFL did a little research, we believe we’ve found the real reason for this proposal. The Indians, clearly slumping offensively, are batting .312 with 10 HR and 54 runs scored against the Rangers in 7 games as opposed to .241 with 3 HR and 31 run scored in 5 games against the Twins.

As long as Dolan is at it, why not propose moving Detroit to the NL Central and Chicago to the NL East and bring Pittsburgh and Washington to the AL Central. Obvious Dolan is hoping to hide the deficiencies of this club by trying to turn the Al Central back to the playground the Indians enjoyed in the late nineties.

Stay tuned, as it is still early, and this is only going to get more bizarre.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

SI Cover Jinx?

There is good news, bad news and could-go-either-way news. Your Cleveland Indians (more specifically Victor Martinez and Travis Hafner) are going to be featured on the upcoming cover of Sports Illustrated. That, for all you why-does-New-York-and-Boston-get-all-the-coverage complainers, would be the good news.

Now for the bad news; it is quite simple, are you a believer of the SI Cover Jinx (SICJ)? Do you remember the April 6th, 1987 cover of SI, titled “Indian Uprising”? If you don’t, perhaps you'll remember how the cover preceded a 1987 campaign in which the Tribe finished 61-101 and 37 (yes a three, followed by a seven) games out for first place. So, if you aren’t a believer of the SICJ you have a difficult time explaining that outcome.

To explain the could-go-either-way part, it needs to be pointed out that usually the SICJ recipients are on their way up or are experiencing an exceptional season. So, if you can follow the logic, a negative cover story should have the reverse effect on Martinez, Hafner and the entire Indians team, thus propelling them into an extended winning streak that will place them firmly atop the Central Division. Well, at least we can hope and with the way this season has gone, we'll take any hope we can get.

The SI issue goes deeper than just the cover story. There is any interesting story on the controversial maple bats that more and more players have been switching to, consequently leading to an increase in shattering bats. It also features a piece on the Wedge-Blake connection and Wedge’s sometimes ill placed loyalty to certain players. There is an article about how Joel Skinner's over cautious approach to base running cost the Indians the 2007 ALCS. Finally there is a fascinating commentary about C.C.’s future and a revisiting of him being spotted in a Yankee cap a few years back.

Overall, the issue is a great read and is highly recommended for all Tribe fans regardless of your position on the SICJ.